


Blush

by MyChemicalRachel



Category: My Chemical Romance, The Used
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, M/M, That one where everything is black and white, This started out as a one shot and I just kept adding parts so it's a three-shot I guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-17 22:05:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3545429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyChemicalRachel/pseuds/MyChemicalRachel





	1. Blush

**Summary:**  
_Gerard lives in black and white. He’s fine with it. But when he meets Frank, everything changes.[Based on the Tumblr post where everything is black and white until you meet your soulmate, but I had a few thoughts; Can you have more than one soulmate? What happens if one person sees color, but the other doesn’t? This is the result.]_

…

“The least you could do is meet him.” Gerard closes the door in his brother’s face, rolling his eyes and repressing a groan, but even the barrier doesn’t hinder Mikey, who pushes the door open and follows Gerard inside. Gerard decides to ignore him, sitting down on the bed. As he slips on his shoes, Mikey continues to prod.

Left shoe. “He’s really nice. Cute. His name is James.”

Gerard sighs quietly.

“He works with Pete at the record store.” Right shoe. “Pete says he has the same taste in music as you. That’s good, right?”

Gerard stands up, facing his brother with a deadpan expression. “Mikey. Shut up. I am not meeting Pete’s friend, I am not going on a date. I. Do. Not. Date.” He moves past his brother, grabbing his jacket and car keys off the desk, patting his pocket to make sure his wallet is still there. He then turns to look at Mikey, frowning to convey exactly how much he does not want to go on a date. “Look… I don’t want to date, Mikes. If I meet my soulmate, then awesome. Okay. But I’m not desperate. I’m okay with seeing everything in black and white, I’m used to it.”

Now it’s Mikey’s turn to sigh, shaking his head with a sad smile. “I’m not asking you to meet your soulmate, Gee.”

Gerard’s frown deepens. He doesn’t understand it. They’ve been telling him the same thing his entire life, the same thing that happens to everyone else in the world; When you meet your soulmate, everything will fall into place. That one person will light up the whole world, they will make everything brighter. It will add color. And so far, Gerard had not met that one person yet. His life was still black and white. It was normal for him. What he didn’t understand was Mikey’s outlook on it; Mikey had a boyfriend named Pete. They had been dating for over a year. Mikey claimed that he loved Pete. The only issue: Mikey still saw everything in black and white.

Gerard lets out a soft breath and bites down on his lip. “Doesn’t it bother you?” He asks his younger brother. “Knowing that Pete isn’t your soulmate? I mean, what happens if you meet your soulmate one day? Or Pete does? You’ll just break up and pretend like the past year with him hasn’t happened?”

Mikey, who always seems to know the answer, just shrugs. It’s a weird gesture coming from him, but the small smile on his lips doesn’t falter. “I don’t know,” He admits. “But I love Pete. And I’m not going to miss out on the good thing we have now, searching for something I may never find.” It sounds crazy and logical at the same time, and Gerard doesn’t have time to sit here and contemplate the meaning of love and life because he’s late for work. So he settles with giving Mikey a quick hug and a noncommittal “I’ll think about it” before racing out the door.

The bookstore where Gerard works isn’t actually open yet, so when he trips in almost ten minutes after the posted open time, he doesn’t technically consider himself late. The owner of the small shop is currently out of town on what she claimed was a “family emergency”-- even though Gerard totally knows she’s actually just taking some vacation time-- and she left none other than Gerard in charge. Not that she had much of a choice, since the only other employee is some high-schooler just looking to book some extra cash on the weekends. Gerard doesn’t mind being left alone in the store. He actually kind of enjoys it. Unlike most people, he loves his job. He loves being surrounded by the smell of old and new books alike, the feel of the smooth covers under his fingertips when he orders them. He loves the complete serenity the encompassing shelves offer, being around so many different stories and ideas.

Today is no different. The shop is mostly quiet all morning, only a few regular customers stopping by to see if anything new has been added to the inventory. Gerard takes the opportunity of silence to rearrange a few things. He’s been working on moving the entire science fiction area up a shelf to make room underneath for the new fantasy novels. It’s when he’s stepping onto a chair, probably too unsteady to hold his weight for long periods of time, placing a few books on the top shelf, that he hears the bell above the door. He ignores it, scanning the names to be sure they’re in order. Huckson. Hurbert. Hyron.

“Hi,” He hears a voice suddenly. It’s not one he recognizes and, judging by the tone, they’re new to the shop. “I was just wondering if you guys have a copy of Lord Of The… Holy mother of fuck.”

Gerard pauses in his movements, unsure exactly what this guy is asking. Gerard starts to turn around, prepared to ask the man again what book he’s looking for because Gerard has read the entire Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Lord Of The Holy Mother Of Fuck is not one of them. But when he turns, Gerard forgets how to breath, let alone remember what he was about to ask. Near the end of the aisle is the man, small and attractive and watching Gerard with eyes so big he looks like he’s seen a ghost. But that’s not what makes Gerard freeze. What stops him is the tattoos, tons of them adorning the stranger’s arms. And one by one, they’re changing.

It starts with a small heart near the man’s wrist, a vibrant red that seems to stretch out, grasping at every other piece of ink and flesh, sharing the color.

 _Color_.

He’s dreaming, Gerard realizes. This has to be a dream. There’s no way this is happening. It’s just not possible. But there’s no way, in his wildest dreams, that he could imagine something so vivid. So beautiful.

But just as quickly as the color appeared, everything is turning black and fading away.

When he regains consciousness, Gerard is confused. His head is pounding and, when he opens his eyes, he’s met with a piercing hazel gaze staring back.

 _Hazel_. Holy fuck, he actually sees hazel.

The stranger from before is standing over him, looking panicked and terrified.  But his expression changes easily and he looks relieved. “Oh thank fuck, I thought I killed you.”

Gerard tries to clear his head, taking in his surroundings. He’s on the floor. How the hell did he get on the floor? He sits up slowly, raising a hand to his head, trying to slow the spinning. Gerard tries to ask what happened, but his mind if still kind of fuzzy, swarming with the sight of color, and he barely manages a groan.

The stranger still seems to understand the unspoken question, shuffling uneasily on his feet. He looks down. “You fell off the chair,” He explains. “Hit your head.” He lets out a nervous laugh, running a hand through his messy hair. “I’m glad you didn’t die. That would have been a horrible way to introduce myself. And I don’t think I’m doing much better now… Ugh fuck.” The man above Gerard takes a deep breath, looking like he wants to punch himself in the face. “Can you like… Stand up?”

Gerard is still dizzy. He keeps glancing back at the man’s tattoos, intrigued by the intricate colors, the swirling designs, how well they all flow together. He wants to touch them, but he stops himself. After a second, the man shakes his head. “You don’t wanna stand. Okay.” In all honestly, Gerard can’t form words. Standing sounds like too much work. The stranger seems to agree because he sits down heavily across from Gerard, crossing his legs and clasping his hands together in his lap. Gerard can only stare. The stranger stares back.

A pink tinge lights up his cheeks as he chews on his lip, which Gerard is only now noticing is pierced. He’s blushing, Gerard realizes. It’s an insane concept to him-- Before, a blush was only ever described scientifically; Blood rushing to the face. Gerard never realized it could be so beautiful, so mesmerizing. Again, he has the desire to reach out and run his fingertips across the man’s skin, to feel him beneath him.

After what feels like centuries, the stranger speaks. His voice is low, whispered, like he’s telling Gerard a secret. “You can see it too, right?” For some reason, the question makes Gerard feel relieved. He’s not going crazy.  He’s not dreaming. He’s seeing everything in a new light. In color.

And he nods. “Yeah.” He swallows hard. He’s finally managed to find words, but the dizziness is still present. “Yeah. I see it, too.”

The man in front of him grins, a lopsided smile that mesmerizes Gerard just as much as the newfound color does. He reaches a hand forward, which Gerard shakes without hesitance. Any excuse to finally feel the soft skin, the burning spark that ignites where their hands meet, just like the spark that rocks through him when the stranger says, “I’m Frank. I guess we’re kind of soulmates or something.”

...

Gerard doesn’t get used to it. It’s scary at first. For the first few days, he worries that everything is going to change. Now that he’s seen the color, he’s terrified that someone will jerk it away and yell “LOL JUST KIDDING” and just like that, it will all go back to black and white. What’s even scarier is how much he finds himself already falling in love with Frank. Every moment he’s not working is spent with Frank, and sometimes Frank surprises him and shows up to browse the books at the store while Gerard helps customers. A small section of his brain believes he really shouldn’t be this clingy, but it’s a minor concern because Frank seems to be enjoying their time together just as much.

Mikey-- after a couple of “Aha motherfucker! I knew you would meet someone!” and  _I told you so’s_ \-- tells Gerard that this is just the “puppydog stage” of their relationship. “The ‘ _can’t keep your hands off each other’_  thing will pass after a few weeks.”

But the thing is, Gerard and Frank, past hand holding and chaste kisses, haven’t gone much farther in their relationship. They both seem to be on the same wavelength, wanting to take it slow. Even though they are soulmates, they barely know each.

So it’s only after nearly four months that Gerard even dares to bring it up to Frank. He doesn’t quite know how to say he wants to take the next step in their relationship without sounding like a dick who just wants in his boyfriend’s pants.

It’s a Friday night and Gerard is over at Frank’s apartment. They’ve gotten into a routine together; Monday nights they meet for dinner and a surprise date, alternating weeks on choosing the date. The first time, it was glow putt-- Frank’s idea. The next week, it was Gerard’s choice-- a Rocky Horror/Shock Treatment double feature at the drive-in. And Friday nights were spent in Frank’s apartment, curled up on the couch either playing video games, contemplating the shared belief that Frankenstein and his Creature were gay for each other, or simply watching movies. Tonight was the latter, but Gerard wasn’t very focused on the Star Wars movie playing across the screen. He’s spent the past hour trying to figure out a way to say those words. How is he supposed to tell Frank he wants more? What if Frank doesn’t want more? Gerard tries to find solace in the fact that they are soulmates. Even if he fucks up and says something stupid, Frank will forgive him and understand… Right?

Gerard is still running different scenarios through his mind, trying to find the words that won’t get him punched in the face, when Frank shifts in his arms and presses their lips together. Gerard is surprised, but kisses back easily. It starts out slow, chaste and like all of their previous kisses, but within moments it’s building. Gerard can feel it like a physical urgency, a passion and desire coming from both of the men involved. Frank shifts again, pulling himself up and into Gerard’s lap. Gerard can feel the younger man’s tongue sliding against his own, his hips rocking back and forth, sending the blood pulsing even faster through his veins. His hands settle on Frank’s sides, sliding under the Tshirt to dig into the inked flesh, pulling him closer, and Frank isn’t complaining, lacing his fingers through Gerard’s tangled black hair, using the position to deepen the kiss even further. It’s something new to both of them, this urgent passion and desperate desire to touch and feel and share. It’s an intimacy Gerard has never felt before and he can’t imagine feeling it with anyone else other than the man before him.

This is it, Gerard realizes. It’s not about the color that’s all around him, but the feeling, even with his eyes closed, of Frank pressed against him, tempted by the same fire that ignites between their bodies. This is what it’s all about. Gerard pulls back abruptly, the thought shocking him. Frank looks surprised, too, his pupils blown wide in the hazel depths. Green and brown swirling together to make a color that Gerard could look into forever.

Frank licks once over his pink lips, looking concerned. “We don’t have to do this,” He says quickly. “We can wait.” He starts to climb off of Gerard’s lap, but Gerard’s hands stay in place on the younger man’s sides, holding him where he is.

Gerard smiles, kissing Frank once, twice, then again before shaking his head. It’s utter relief to know that Frank is ready to take the next step, but sex is pushed to the back of his head with other thoughts swirling in the foreground. He leans in close to the other man, almost touching their lips but holding back just enough so Frank feels Gerard’s breath when he speaks. “I love you, Frank.”

And then without waiting for a response, Gerard pushes forward again. The kiss feels almost the same as before, but along with the urgency, Gerard feels a sense of serenity. It’s calming and exhilarating and tantalizing, this moment between them as they do nothing more than kiss. But of course, they’re only human and the kisses soon escalate when Frank grinds his hips down. The friction elicits a gasped curse from Gerard, pleasing Frank as he trails his lips down Gerard’s jaw, across his neck.

Gerard isn’t really sure what is happening. He knows Frank is on top of him, sucking on his neck, grinding against him in a way that should be illegal, and his mind is totally blanking. Nothing is a coherent thought, his actions nothing more than instinct. He just closes his eyes, his mouth falling open in a strangled moan, letting his body take over and enjoy this as his thoughts fall away into indistinct murmurs in the background of his mind.

He tries to focus on his movements, not really feeling himself do anything. It’s more like he’s simply watching his own body act. Gerard’s hands reach out to pull on the hem of Frank’s shirt, tugging it off. When it’s gone, Gerard’s mind really begins buzzing. He pauses for a long moment to look at the beautiful man before him, his chest at the perfect level for Gerard to gawk, memorizing each inked stroke, every contouring line of his boyfriend. He traces his fingertips across the tattoos, trying to learn what they each mean just by touch. The contact makes goosebumps arise on the smooth flesh, but Frank doesn’t move. The colors are fascinating to Gerard and he wonders absently how different they would look in black and white. He looks up at Frank, who seems content to watch Gerard studying him. “How did you know what you wanted?” Gerard asks. “I mean, if they weren’t in color when you got them. How did you know how they would look?”

“I didn’t,” Frank admits. He places a hand over Gerard’s, feeling his movements as he traces over another design staining his skin. “My friend Bob sees color. I trusted him enough to give me these.” Frank smiles fondly down at his tattoos. “I think they look amazing. The colors… Fuck, I never get sick of seeing that.” He looks up instantly, meeting Gerard’s eyes once more. His crooked smile doesn’t falter. “Thank you.”

Gerard shakes his head slowly, not understanding why the sudden thanks. “For what?”

“You’re the reason I see color,” Frank tells him. He twists his hand in Gerard’s, lacing their fingers together. “But even without the color… Fuck, Gerard. I love you. Just… I guess, thanks for loving me, too.”

Gerard smiles at the younger man, not feeling the need to respond in any other way. His actions say everything when he pulls Frank closer again, their lips colliding, sending invisible sparks into both of their bodies. It’s not a color that ignites in them. It’s something so much better.

...

It’s a few months later that Gerard and Frank get their first apartment together. It takes them almost two hours to decide on colors for the walls-- Gerard wants pale yellow, but Frank is insisting on bright purple. After countless games of Rock Paper Scissors and some persuasion, they agree to paint the kitchen yellow and the bathroom purple, while the bedroom would remain red and the living room beige. The entire apartment looked like a rainbow to anyone who could see the color, but the couple didn’t care. To them, it was beautiful. Everything was perfect and Gerard was happy. He had the love of his life, his soulmate, and nothing else seemed to matter.

A few more months pass and Frank and Gerard are falling into a routine. They become used to coming home to see each other every evening and even keep their usual Monday and Friday night dates.

Gerard runs his finger along the colorful spines. Deep green, blue, red, some black or gold or white. He smiles to himself, scanning the science fiction section of the bookstore for books he thinks Frank will like. He pulls one off the shelf, reading the back before frowning and sliding it back into it’s place. It’s when he’s pushing it back that he has an overwhelming sense of vertigo. He sways unsteadily on his feet, the entire shop seeming to lose focus before zooming back in at maximum speed. But this time when his vision clears, it’s different. He rubs his eyes a few times, trying to make it disappear, but instead of vanishing, the gray seems to have grown.

Gray. Everywhere. It starts as just a small dot in the corner of his eyes, but it quickly takes over, washing everything in black and white. In seconds, the color is gone.

Gerard’s breathing stops. He thinks that maybe if he holds his breath, it will go back to normal. Everything will go back into vibrant, addicting color. But nothing happens and Gerard feels light headed again. He stumbles back a step, dropping the books he has in his grasp. He feels numb, terrified but confused, unsure of what the hell is going on.

He takes a deep breath and tries to think rationally. Something is broken in him. He’s found his soulmate, he has lived in color. Is the universe just fucking with him? Is it being taken away?

Gerard fumbles for his phone. He needs to call Frank. If his life is back in black and white, maybe it’s happening to Frank, too. He hits the number on speed dial, but it rings only a few times before going to voicemail. He hangs up and tries to breathe. He falls back against the wall, feeling the need to balance himself. His whole world is spinning, gray, encompassing. It feels as if the lack of color is going to swallow Gerard whole. He needs to think. After a moment, he dials his brother’s number.

Mikey answers on the second ring, sounding bored. “Mikes,” Gerard manages to say. It’s a heavy pant, but his words are audible. “There’s something wrong. It’s all gone.”

“What’s gone?” Mikey’s boredom is replaced with concern instantly. “Gee, what’s wrong?”

“The color,” Gerard tells him. “It’s gone. How is that possible? I have Frank. How is the color gone?”

There is nothing but tense silence on the other end. Gerard strains to hear his brother, but Mikey is rendered speechless. He tries a few times before he can finally manage words. “Gerard, where is Frank?”

Gerard shakes his head, not understanding why this matters. “At home I think. Why? Is his color gone, too?”

A seconds more silence before Mikey sighs. “No, Gerard. Frank’s color isn’t gone. Do you remember what they used to teach us in school? About what happens when the color comes and goes?”

Gerard tries to think hard, he really does, but he can’t remember anything. He never listened to the lectures about finding one’s soulmate because he never thought it would happen to him. Eventually he shakes his head. “No. What?”

“Where are you?” Mikey asks. “I’m coming to pick you up, okay?”

Gerard shakes his head again. His brother is changing the subject again and his head is hurting and he just wants to know what the hell is going on. “No, tell me Mikey. What happens when the color goes? Is Frank’s color going to go away, too?”

“Gerard…” Mikey starts. His voice is heavier than Gerard can ever remember it being, weighed down with some emotion Gerard can’t exactly place.

“Tell me.” Gerard demands.

And this time Mikey sighs in defeat. There’s a minute pause and when he speaks again, Gerard’s entire world seems to crumble around him. Forget the color, suddenly it’s the least of his worries. “The color comes and goes with the soulmate, Gerard,” Mikey explains. “I could be wrong, okay? I could be very very wrong but… Gee, I think Frank might be dead.”

…

Gerard refuses to go to the funeral. Mikey puts his nicest suit on the bed and leaves the room to give him some privacy, but Gerard can only stare at the clothing. It’s black and white, just like everything else now. Everything has been the same fucking non-color since Frank died. Gerard remembers the colors, but they don’t seem as vibrant in his memories. He remembers tracing his fingers over Frank’s tattoos, thinks about how he’ll look lying in the gray casket. It won’t be his Frank there, not in black and white. Since the second he saw Frank, there was color. And now Gerard can’t see him without it. The past few days since the accident have been hard, but Gerard knows he will break down if he sees Frank like that. Like he saw everything before. In black and white. Frank was never a gray area to him, he was always lively and vibrant, and seeing him that pasty gray will be a lie. He refuses to remember Frank like that.

And so Mikey nods when Gerard tells him no, he goes to the funeral with Pete, and he comes home to find Gerard hasn’t moved. When Mikey peeks his head into the room to check on his brother, Gerard seems to realize that it’s over. The funeral has ended. And his soulmate is now buried in a wooden box six feet under the dirt.

He cries a lot after that. Mikey tries to give him room to grieve, but stay close enough to help if needed. It’s three weeks after the accident that the door is pushed open and someone walks in. Gerard faces the window, the blinds closed so he can’t see out, but he figures it must be Mikey. It surprises him when he hears another familiar voice instead.

“Hey. How are you doing?” Gerard turns slowly to face Pete. How is he doing? Horrible. Absolutely fucking terrible. He doesn’t say this. He offers a shrug.

Pete looks awkward, standing in the doorway. He wants to say something more, Gerard can tell, but he hesitates. Pete glances at the door, closes it, and then steps closer to Gerard. He’s nervous, which Gerard thinks is unusual coming from such a confident guy. “Can I tell you something?” He asks.

Gerard thinks about it for a second. He doesn’t really want to hear whatever comfort Pete is going to try to offer, but he shrugs again.

Pete nods, taking the shrug as a yes, and sits down on the edge of the bed. He wrings his hands, searching for the right words. Apparently the right words don’t come because he ends up just blurting out, “I met my soulmate.”

This peaks Gerard’s interest and his eyes widen at the confession.

Pete sighs, seeming relieved to get this secret off his chest. “I haven’t told Mikey. I actually haven’t told anybody.”

Gerard, against his better judgement, wants to ask so many questions. Who? When? And most importantly, what is he going to do about it?

Pete seems to understand the questions even without words, looking down at his hands. “I didn’t actually talk to her. She was working at Starbucks when I went in a few weeks ago. As soon as I saw her it was like… Fucking sparks. You know?” And Gerard did know. The memory stirs something warm and fuzzy in his stomach. “But she didn’t see me. Her nametag said Ashlee. It’s fucking crazy, right? Of all people, my soulmate is a girl.” Pete laughs, rolling his eyes. “I didn’t tell Mikey at first because I was scared. I mean, we always knew we weren’t soulmates. But we never decided what would happen if one of us met our soulmate.” Pete’s voice lowers and he almost sounds embarrassed. “I thought, if I told him, he would want me to go for it. He would want me to go be with my soulmate. And the more I thought about that, the more I realized I don’t want that. I have Mikey. And that girl in there who showed me color, she is a complete stranger. And the universe is telling me she’s my other half? Well fuck the universe. What if I don’t want to love her? Don’t I get a choice? I love Mikey more than anything.” A small smile forms on his lips. “More than color. I would give up the color in an instant if it meant having him forever.”

Gerard finds himself nodding slowly. He had never really thought of it quite that way. He always thought that soulmates were together. They were destined. Just as he was destined to be with Frank. But was it possible to love someone despite the lack of color? Was it possible to make your own soulmate?

Gerard studies Pete for a long minute. “Are you going to tell him?” He asks.

Pete contemplates that and then shrugs. “Maybe eventually,” He decides. “But I don’t think it’s important. I made my choice.” He stands up, smiles one last time, and leaves the room. Gerard is left alone, his head swimming with everything Pete just said.

…

It takes awhile to get back into a new routine, something different and empty with Frank gone. Eventually he has to leave Mikey’s apartment and go back to his own, but Gerard hates facing the colorless walls, knowing what he used to see every time he went into a room. He stays in the bathroom for almost two days, staring at the gray wall before him, trying to visualize the exact shade of purple Frank picked out, and he hates himself when he realizes he can’t recall it. Even his memories seem to be fading, losing the vibrancy Frank seemed to give them.

Gerard goes back to work. His boss is kind enough to avoid touchy subjects involving color and Frank, but everything he sees reminds him of the younger man. He spends too much time running his finger along the dull spines of the books, staring at the spot at the end of the aisle where he first met Frank.

It’s one Friday night that Gerard is working later than usual to avoid going home to an empty apartment again. These are the nights it hurts the most. He sits in the middle of the horror aisle, The Shining cradled in his lap, rereading the same words he’s read a hundred times. He almost doesn’t hear the stranger approach him, standing only a few feet away, but after a cleared throat and soft, “Excuse me,” Gerard jumps up, realizing he’s in someone’s way.

But when he stands and mumbles out an apology, the stranger doesn’t move. He looks up to meet the gaze of a man he doesn’t recognize, but the stranger stares back with a nervous smile. “Hi,” He says. He brushes a few slim fingers through his messy dark hair.

Gerard returns the smile. There’s something about the man that seems to capture Gerard’s attention, though he can’t seem to place exactly what it is. “Hi.”

The man bites down on his lip a few times, studying Gerard in a way that seems frighteningly familiar. His next words stun Gerard even more when the stranger leans closer and asks, “You see it too, right?”

And unlike last time someone asked him that, Gerard shakes his head. He already knows what the man is asking, but he needs to hear it. “See what?”

The stranger smiles again. “The color.”

Gerard’s heart aches. He frowns, shaking his head once more. “I haven’t seen color in over six months,” He admits.

Now the man’s smile vanishes. He looks confused and hurt. He studies Gerard for a little while longer. “How?” And Gerard can’t tell if the stranger is asking himself or Gerard, but honestly Gerard doesn’t have an answer either. The stranger narrows his eyes in concentration. “It’s you. You’re the one.”

Gerard’s chest hurts again. He doesn’t want to hear those words, not from someone he doesn’t know. Not from someone who isn’t Frank. And yet the man before him sets him with a sure gaze and says it; “You’re my soulmate. The color started with you.”

And Gerard wants to scream. He wants to break down and cry and throw a fit, he wants to punch this complete stranger in the face because it has to be a joke, right? He was  _Frank’s_  soulmate. He can’t be this guy’s, too… Right?

Gerard recalls what Pete to him that one day, the confession about finding his soulmate. About making a choice. Maybe if it was possible to not love your soulmate, it was possible to love someone who wasn’t. Everything Gerard ever knew seemed to be falling down around him and he didn’t know what to believe anymore. So he pushes everything he knows about soulmates to the back of his head, focusing only on Frank. What would Frank think?

Frank was dead. But that didn’t mean that Gerard had to die with him.

And so Gerard takes a deep breath, figuring he might as well jump in with two feet. He puts a hand between them. “Gerard,” He introduces himself.

The stranger smiles again, taking the hand. And when their skin touches, Gerard feels that familiar spark he felt that first time with Frank. He can tell by the gleam in the stranger’s eyes that he can feel it, too. Gerard can’t see the color, but even in the grayness that overtakes everything, he sees the slight darkening in the stranger’s cheeks when he blushes. “Hi. I’m Bert.”


	2. Blue

He looked amazing. His hair was straightened, using only enough hairspray to keep it from frizzing up-- his brother’s advice, of course. His black and white tux was pressed and ironed a million times over, just to make sure it was perfect. His groom’s outfit matched near exact, as were the grins they shared.

Gerard couldn’t help his own smile when he looked on at the happy couple. From his brother’s side, he watched as Mikey and Pete exchanged their vows. And then Pete took his brother’s hand and slipped the gray band onto his finger. Gerard cursed himself quietly when a single tear escaped, rolling down his cheek. He couldn’t believe it. Mikey was getting _married_.

It pleased Gerard. He had already had the required “I’ll give you my blessing but I swear to God I will kick your ass if you hurt Mikey” speech with Pete a few months prior, but it had mostly been for show. He knew Pete would never hurt Mikey. He knew, even though the universe didn’t think so, Pete and Mikey were supposed to be together.

Gerard looks across the aisle, his gaze landing on the girl at Pete’s side. Instead of choosing a Best Man like Mikey had, Pete had decided on a woman named Ashlee to be his Maid Of Honor. She’s tall and slender, a silky gray dress clinging loosely to her frame. Her light hair is pushed back, a few tiny flowers in place. She’s smiling fondly at the couple as well and Gerard wonders absently exactly what she’s seeing. Color, that much is obvious.

A few months after Pete confessed to Gerard that he had found his soulmate, he told Mikey. At first, Mikey’s lip quivered and he bit back tears and he forced a smile and congratulated his boyfriend. But Pete was stubborn, ignoring Mikey’s futile reassurance that it was okay, he should go be with his soulmate-- And just as Pete had told Gerard, he stayed by Mikey’s side. Of course, it was only so long until Ashlee saw Pete and her life flared with color. She was understanding, more so than Gerard would have thought, and respected Pete’s decision to stay with his current love. After that, Pete and Ashlee became good friends. It was funny to Gerard because they seemed nearly inseparable, not as lovers but almost as siblings. So when Pete asked her to be his Maid Of Honor, she was ecstatic to say yes.

Now, watching as his Mikey pulled his new husband in for a kiss, Gerard feels a pang of emotion. Happiness, of course, but pain as well. Every day it would happen. He would remember his soulmate at different times, whether it be shelving books at the shop or playing video games with Mikey, something would remind him of Frank. It had been over a year since the accident that ripped the love of his life away from Gerard, but no matter how much time passed, the hole in his heart that Frank filled was constantly empty. It used to burn around the edges, painful and stinging and hard to touch. And Gerard knew that that hole would never really be fixed. Part of him would always belong to Frank. But slowly, new pieces of his heart were growing to compensate for what he lost.

Gerard glances over to the onlookers, the friends and family that gathered in rows of seats, witnessing the binding of Mikey and Pete. In the front row, he sees his mother and father, teary eyed and whispering to Pete’s parents. In the row behind them, smiling at the sight, is Bert.

His long hair is pushed behind his ears and the suit he rented is pressed and formal. Definitely presentable, though he asked Gerard about a hundred times if he looked okay. He catches Gerard’s gaze and his lips twitch upward again, his smile widening a bit. Gerard returns his boyfriend’s gesture easily.

When Pete and Mikey have sufficiently made out to an extent that elicited wolf whistles from their friends and a suffering sigh from Gerard and Ashlee, they retreat back down the aisle. Everyone else disperses with them, moving as a herd toward the tent set up down the yard where the reception would be. Gerard tries to catch Bert, but the two are separated and Gerard loses sight almost instantly.

At the tent, which is really just a wide white overhanging cloth that blocks the shade, Gerard tries to avoid everyone. People have started pairing up on the makeshift dance floor, including the newlyweds and his parents, so Gerard keeps to the back near the drink table. It’s only as he’s scooping out a cup of punch that he hears the voice. “They’re perfect together, aren’t they?”

Gerard looks up to see Bert is standing just beside him, his gaze on Pete and Mikey as they cling to each other, spinning around and grinning like idiots. Mikey is laughing at something. Gerard smiles. “Yeah, they are.” He hands the drink he has over to the other man, who takes a sip, and spoons out another for himself.

Bert turns to look at Gerard. He takes one more sip and then sets his drink down on the table. Taking Gerard’s from his hand, he puts it with the other. Gerard starts to protest, but Bert shakes his head and laces their fingers together, pulling him toward the others. “Dance with me.”

Gerard doesn’t want to, he really really doesn’t. He hates dancing and he sucks at it. But the grin on Bert’s face makes it nearly impossible to say no and with a sigh, he follows along. Bert’s arms hang loosely around Gerard’s neck, his own settling on the other man’s hips. Their bodies are only an inch or so apart and Bert makes even that small distance non-existent when he leans in, pressing his lips to Gerard’s. It’s a quick chaste kiss, but both men part after only a second smiling.

They sway together and Gerard raises a hand to brush away some of Bert’s hair from in front of his eyes. “You seem really happy,” He states.

Bert shrugs, but his smile doesn’t falter. “I like weddings,” He admits. “I like seeing two people who love each other being so fucking happy together. And I like it because it’s the same in color as in black and white. The bride’s dress-- if there is a bride--” He gestures with one arm to Mikey and Pete and chuckles. “It’s always white. And the suits are always black and white.” He shrugs again, looking down. “I just think it’s really cool that it’s kind of universal, you know? It doesn’t matter if you see color or not--” He stops abruptly and looks up into Gerard’s eyes, frowning. “I’m sorry.” And Gerard knows exactly what he’s apologizing for. It hurts a little bit, knowing Bert sees the color that Gerard doesn’t. Gerard lives his life in black and white and gray areas, he had before he met Frank and has since Frank died. But since apparently he was Bert’s soulmate, Bert saw everything in vivid bright color.

Gerard shakes his head, smiling. “No, don’t apologize.” He looks over, finding Ashlee as she switches quickly between dance partners. He gestures to her with the nod of his head. “What color is her dress?”

Bert looks over, too. “Pink,” He replies. “Really pale pink, and the trimming along the hem is dark.” Gerard continues watching the girl, trying to remember what the color looks like. He envisions something that resembles red, but that’s as close as he can recall.

When he looks back to Bert, the other man is already watching him. His smile is gone, his brow furrowed, a look of contemplation on his gray features. “What do you miss more?” He wonders. His voice is low, almost a whisper, and Gerard struggles to hear it over the sound of the music playing around them. “The color… Or him?”

The question shocks Gerard, feeling a spark of pain shoot through him, but it’s followed close behind with a dull numbness. “The color made everything so much brighter,” Gerard responds after a long silence. “But it was nothing compared to Frank.” He feels strange admitting this to his boyfriend, but Bert looks curious, not hurt or betrayed, and so Gerard continues. “It was like… There was color, but Frank made it all worthwhile. Without him, the color would have been dull. He was the light that made it all visible.” Gerard swallows a lump that rises in his throat. He’s never told anyone this, but now that Bert is asking, it feels like a huge relief. He’s sharing this with Bert and somehow Gerard feels it’s already bringing them closer. “I’m kind of glad the color went away with him. I don’t know if I could go through life seeing everything as I saw it with him. If the color stayed, it would have felt like nothing changed. But something did change, I lost the man I loved.” Gerard shrugs. “It’s like, the color drained with his life. That sounds stupid, doesn’t it?” Gerard chuckles, but the sound is cut short when Bert presses their lips together again.

“No,” Bert shakes his head, taking a deep breath. “That sounds… It sounds like…” Gerard waits patiently for Bert to find the words he’s searching for, but nothing prepares him for when Bert looks up again, his gaze more intent that before as he looks deep into Gerard’s eyes. “Fuck, Gerard. That sounds like how I feel about you.” His voice drops even lower and Gerard barely hears the words before their lips are smashing together again. “I love you, Gee.”

Gerard feels the words rock through him like a physical bolt of lightning, striking in his stomach and releasing an entire earthquake in his gut. And when he mumbles those words back to Bert, not even bothering to break their kiss, Gerard knows it’s true. He loves this man. What shocks him almost as much as this realization is the little spark he saw right before Bert brought him closer, the gleam in Bert’s eyes that Gerard couldn’t describe as anything but clear bright, vibrant blue. But Gerard ignores the color and focuses on just the way his mouth feels against Bert’s because right now, that’s the only thing that matters.

** [A/N: I'M ACTUALLY REALLY HAPPY WITH HOW THIS PART TURNED OUT, OKAY? YAY. **

** Fucking love you. xoRachel] **


	3. Blurry

The pain is almost unbearable, but it’s nothing compared to the raging heart beating against his ribs. There’s a ringing in his ears and he’s not sure whether it’s the blood being pulled through his veins that’s echoing in his head or the swarming nervous ball in his stomach. Gerard tries to focus, but everything around him is blurry and distant. He only concentrates on keeping his breathing even, and even that is hard.

“Gerard!” He doesn’t realize until about the third time his name is said that his boyfriend is talking to him. Gerard looks up instantly to meet Bert’s concerned, panicked gaze. His gray eyes are wide, the black pupils blown to take up almost all of the lighter non-color. “Gee, breathe okay? It’s gonna be okay.” Bert nods his head along with his own words, almost as if he’s trying to convince himself, too. “It’s gonna be okay, right?” Bert looks down at the woman between them. One of her hands is clutching onto Gerard’s with a strength he’s surprised such a small human can muster, while the other is braced against her bulging stomach. Instead of actually answering Bert’s question with reassurance, Ashlee let’s loose a scream.

Her light hair is matted to her forehead, sticking up in various directions, and her face is darkened. Gerard assumes it would look red if he could see the color.

Since Mikey and Pete’s wedding, when he saw that almost nonexistent flicker of blue in Bert’s eyes, the color has been scarce. Sometimes he sees flashes of different colors, red or orange or purple, at various times. But it disappears just as quickly and leaves Gerard wondering if it was ever really there in the first place. He’s tried to understand it, but he can’t. It doesn’t make any sense. His soulmate is dead, the color shouldn’t be visible to him at all. When he asked Mikey, his brother simply smiled and said, “Maybe you’re making your own soulmate. Maybe Bert is becoming your color.” But if that were the case, wouldn’t Mikey see color with Pete by now? They’d known each other longer than Bert and Gerard, loved each other just as much. Shouldn’t Mikey see the colors, too? Of course, Mikey had an answer for that, too, when he shrugged and said, “I’ve never seen color. You have. Maybe you’re just gaining it back.” And that didn’t make much sense either, but Gerard accepted it because it was really the only answer he had.

And so most of his life was the same as always, with black and white and gray surrounding him. But there were certain times when the color would present itself and Gerard would grin at Bert and remind himself that this man is the reason for that.

“Gerard!” His name is being called again, he realizes, but this time it’s not Bert. Gerard doesn’t have time to stop, the wheelchair Ashlee occupies being rolled along the wide hospital hallways with or without him, and he refuses to lose it. Still, he cranes his neck and sees Pete and Mikey appear near the end of the corridor, at his side almost an instant later. “Is it time?!” Pete looks panicked, taking Ashlee’s other hand, stroking a few fingers through her hair and repeating, “It’s okay, Ash. Breathe,” and then demonstrating.

When they reach the right room, the nurse pushes Ashleey through, but stops the others from entering. “She can only have two people in the room while she delivers.”

Pete raises his hand, but lowers it slowly, looking between Bert and Gerard. “No, you guys should go.” But it seems physically painful for him to say it and he glances into the room to see Ashlee being moved to the bed. Though he’s not in love with her, Ashlee is undoubtedly part of him. He feels protective, he should be there with her. But it’s not his baby that she’s having.

Gerard knows Pete is right-- Ashlee is having this baby for them-- but in all honesty, he’s not sure if he can. He wants to be there, but the thought of watching a small human emerging from Ashlee’s vagina makes him feel sick. He feels himself turn pale. In a second, Bert is in front of him, ducking his head to meet Gerard’s gaze. “Gee, calm down, okay?” He offers a minute smile and brushes the pad of his thumb across Gerard’s cheek. “You don’t have to go in. Pete and I can go.”

Gerard bites down on his lip and manages a small nod.

Bert grins and gives Gerard a quick kiss. “Okay. I’ll see you when our baby’s out.”

And then Gerard watches as Pete and Bert disappear into the small hospital room. Gerard watches the door for a minute before Mikey takes his arm and leads him back out into the waiting room.

Hours pass. Gerard paces at first, unable to sit. His mind is spinning, swirling, working too fast to grasp a coherent thought much farther than ‘ _Holy fuck, I am going to be a dad._ ’

When Gerard and Bert first came to the decision that they wanted a baby, they had a lot of post-decision choices to make, mostly how it would happen since they were both male. They’d contemplated adoption and even checked into it, but soon decided they wanted the whole process, from beginning to end. And that meant they needed a woman who would be willing to have a child for them. They could hire someone, but that seemed skivvy and unpredictable. They needed someone they could trust. It was when they brought the subject to Mikey and Pete that Pete offered up Ashlee’s body.

It didn’t take much convincing before Ashlee was practically bouncing on her heels, ready to get going. She was happy to help the couple.

It didn’t seem real at first. Gerard went with her when she got the insemination, sitting down in the waiting room for just a few minutes before Ashlee came back out, smiled, and said, “Alright. Done.” It was simple, so much simpler than Gerard would have imagined. He didn’t quite believe it was that easy.

Of course, it didn’t stay easy for long. Within weeks, Gerard’s days were filled with morning sickness and eating twice as much and, even though he wasn’t the one physically having the baby, he felt so close. He ended up sick a few times and Bert would just rub his back and offer to get him some water. Months passed and Ashlee started gaining weight, complaining about walking, freaking out to make sure the nursery was set up-- Even though Gerard and Bert made sure the room was ready and gender neutral in the first trimester. And then the day finally came when Ashlee called and demanded they come get her NOW because the baby was coming and she was not going to deliver it at home.

And so here they were. Mikey sits patiently, somehow managing to remain calm enough to actually read a book, while Gerard freaks out. After he wears himself out pacing, he falls into a seat next to his brother and sighs exasperatedly. “Relax, Gee,” Mikey mutters, not bothering to look up from his book.

Gerard scoffs. “How the hell am I supposed to relax? Fucking hell, Mikes…” He lowers his voice and he can feel his forehead creasing with worry. “I’m having a baby. I’m gonna be a  _dad_.”

Slowly, Mikey raises his gaze to meet Gerard’s. “No. You are not having second thoughts about this now.”

Gerard shakes his head quickly. His mouth feels dry all of a sudden and he runs his tongue over his bottom lip. “No. No of course not. It’s just… Bert is so sure about it all. He’s calm and he’s ready and… What if the baby doesn’t like me? What if I’m a horrible dad?”

Mikey, with his affinity for compassion, rolls his eyes and nudges Gerard’s arm. “Dude, I know you. You and Bert love each other, and this baby is going to love both of you.” He smiles. “Now calm down. Go get a coffee. And get me one, too.” Without a response, Mikey looks back down to his book, leaving Gerard to sigh and follow his advice. So Gerard gets a coffee. When he downs that one, he gets another, and then one more after that.

Mikey falls asleep after a few hours. Gerard paces some more after that, glancing at the clock every few minutes to see how much time has passed. He knows he should try to sit or maybe get something to eat because the site he found online said that labor could take ten hours.

It’s a while before Gerard finds himself able to actually fall asleep. He’s not trying really, just sitting and trying to clear his head, when the caffeine wears off and he crashes on a chair next to Mikey. When he wakes up, someone is shaking his shoulder and his neck hurts. He grumbles softly for a second before he remembers where he is and sits up, immediately aware of his surroundings. The gray waiting room is empty aside from himself, Mikey, and Pete who is standing in front of them with a smile. The sky outside is black but he doesn’t honestly care what time it is when he stands up, pushing a hand through his messy hair.

“You can come in now,” Pete says, and Gerard doesn’t even let him finish the sentence before he’s brushing past the other man and making his way down the dim hallway.

Gerard pauses in front of the closed door, taking a breath to compose himself. He feels butterflies in his stomach, eating at him, and he’s afraid they might burst out his gut and start fluttering around the room. But he swallows hard, willing himself to digest the insects, and Gerard pushes the door open.

The room is emptier than before. The nurses and doctors from before have disappeared and Ashlee, looking deflated and exhausted, is asleep on the bed. There’s a small lamp flicked on and shedding light on the gray room. Gerard scans the room once before his eyes land of Bert. His boyfriend is standing on the far side of the room, his back to Gerard as he bounces a little, his voice lowly murmuring words Gerard can’t make out.

Gerard takes a small step forward. When he does, Bert turns around. There’s a grin on his face and his eyes look tired, but he doesn’t care. He steps closer to Gerard, the small human cradled in his arms between the two of them. Gerard’s breath catches in his throat and he almost can’t see through the tears that are instantly blurring his vision, but when Bert holds the baby out, Gerard carefully takes the pink blanket from him.

“Pink…” Gerard says. He sniffles, smiling first at Bert and then down at the baby in his arms. “We have a daughter.” Bert comes closer, wrapping his arms around Gerard’s waist and resting his chin on the other man’s shoulder. Gerard leans in, kissing him once.

Bert smiles contently. The baby’s eyes are closed, but a pink color lights up her cheeks. Gerard can only watch, mesmerized as Bert places a kiss to the baby’s forehead. “The nurse said they would bring in the birth certificate soon,” He tells Gerard. When he looks up this time, Gerard isn’t surprised to see the blue sparkle in his eyes.

Gerard nods. It had been three years since the death of his soulmate, but as he looks down he can’t seem to keep the image of Frank out of his mind. Frank was the first one to ever give his life color, but Bert had brought the color back, slow and scarce, but as Gerard looks down at the pink blanket and baby bundled in his arms, he feels as if he has everything, the entire world served up on a platter for the taking.

Gerard can feel his face red and hot as happy tears streak down them, but he does nothing to wipe them away. He’s far more interested in watching the way Bert nudges the baby’s tiny hand with one finger, her little fingers wiggling around Bert’s. He chuckles and wiggles his finger in return. “She’s perfect,” He states. She makes a small sound in return,eliciting another soft laugh from Bert. “You’re perfect, aren’t you Frankie? You’re perfect, just like Daddy.” Bert shifts his gaze to Gerard, making his heart skip to see the clear vibrant blue gaze staring at him.

Gerard captures Bert’s lips again. He sighs softly. “I love you so much,” He says, and looks back down at his newborn daughter. “Both of you.”


End file.
